Its been awhile...
It has been some time since I last wrote. I have been anxious to write but just never seemed to find time. Now that I'm on school break, its a perfect time.
The first Trimester
Well that was fun and interesting. After never getting over the idea that IUI actually worked for us we are totally honored and completely blessed. The first trimester of course was no fun, nausea, sleepiness, etc...The grandparents are very excited as are we about this little one.
The first Trimester
Well that was fun and interesting. After never getting over the idea that IUI actually worked for us we are totally honored and completely blessed. The first trimester of course was no fun, nausea, sleepiness, etc...The grandparents are very excited as are we about this little one.
Today
Being 21 weeks, its finally sunk in that we are having this little one. We found out a few weeks ago it was a little girl. After thinking for so long it was a boy, we got a big surprise.
There she is. Aubree Marie Gehrig!
Picking out little girl stuff is so much fun, there is so much more to pick from. She is going to be one spoiled little girl!
Picking out little girl stuff is so much fun, there is so much more to pick from. She is going to be one spoiled little girl!
The drama
For both sides of our families this is their first grandchild. Josh's parents are absolutely amazing and I enjoy updating them on the many changes and doctors appointments. But my family, well there is a large wall up between us. I feel guilty, for having the feelings I do about my mother. She was never a real mother to me and for the past, I am never going to forget what she did. But after so many years, I feel it is overdue for her to clean herself up. She cant, because addicts rarely ever do, now she has had a considerable effect on my sister. They are both non trustworthy people and I do not feel comfortable with them around the baby. To add to that, they both stress me out to the point I want to just scream and yell at them. This I know is un needed for Aubree and I. So I avoid it at all costs.
I was told today that my mother mentioned she will probably never see the baby. I think to myself, you are damn right. Being the person you are, I don't want my child around you. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I've been told I should respect her for who she is. I understand this, and will do my best and pray about this, but does this also mean that I subject my child to such a person. Part of me doesn't want Aubree to know how two faced and non trustworthy she is. All these thoughts race through my head including feeling guilty. But why do I feel guilty. I tell myself, "If you weren't the way your were and didn't subject your children to what you did, then I would feel differently." she has had so much time to clean up, instead she lies to me about everything.
Simply put, I'm angry at her and always will be. I don't feel she deserves the chance to be a grandmother and feel the joy this child will bring. This is so non Christian of me, but the most I can do is pray about it.
I am where I am today, because God had a path laid out in front of me. A path that yes, was full of pain and suffering and I'm sure the future will have the same. But God did this so that I may be closer to him and grow in my faith and trust in Him. The suffering and pain led me to my wonderful life I have now, my husband, my home, my friends, my growing faith. I am undeserving of all of it but truly thankful.
This that I am faced with now, is to bring me closer to Him, to be more like Him in my words and decisions with my mother. Now all I have to do, is get over this selfishness and give myself to Him.
I was told today that my mother mentioned she will probably never see the baby. I think to myself, you are damn right. Being the person you are, I don't want my child around you. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I've been told I should respect her for who she is. I understand this, and will do my best and pray about this, but does this also mean that I subject my child to such a person. Part of me doesn't want Aubree to know how two faced and non trustworthy she is. All these thoughts race through my head including feeling guilty. But why do I feel guilty. I tell myself, "If you weren't the way your were and didn't subject your children to what you did, then I would feel differently." she has had so much time to clean up, instead she lies to me about everything.
Simply put, I'm angry at her and always will be. I don't feel she deserves the chance to be a grandmother and feel the joy this child will bring. This is so non Christian of me, but the most I can do is pray about it.
I am where I am today, because God had a path laid out in front of me. A path that yes, was full of pain and suffering and I'm sure the future will have the same. But God did this so that I may be closer to him and grow in my faith and trust in Him. The suffering and pain led me to my wonderful life I have now, my husband, my home, my friends, my growing faith. I am undeserving of all of it but truly thankful.
This that I am faced with now, is to bring me closer to Him, to be more like Him in my words and decisions with my mother. Now all I have to do, is get over this selfishness and give myself to Him.